Friday, July 26, 2013

The Stacey King Off-Season

The off-season is not only a time for Stacey to reflect upon his previous seasons' work, but to also prepare for the upcoming year.  "What worked and what didn't?  Did my cadence properly reflect the moment?  How can I fit more catch phrases into the telecast?  Should I just tell Funk to suck it and talk 100% of the time?"

The 2013-2014 Bulls roster is basically complete.  It is now that Stacey begins to craft his verbal sculptures.  This is the Summer of Stacey.

Stacey King - The Offseason

Stacey slowly opens the door as it moans with resistance.  Feeling up and down the the wall, he flips the power switch on.  A single, bare bulb awakens, filling the room with a silent hum.  The dusty, windowless room bites his nostrils.  This place hasn't seen life in exactly a year.

"Hello, old friend", he mutters as he sets his supplies in place.

His family thinks he's on his annual week long summer Bulls PR tour.  No, this is a time for Stacey to carefully create the next catch phrase sensation.


"I'll see you in a week, babe!  Remember...heart, hustle, and muscle!  Don't forget your hard hat or lunch pail when you go to work!  Haha!  I love you!  Woo!"

Stacey uncomfortably forces an artificial smile before he gives his wife a goodbye kiss.  His children wave goodbye dressed in "Jimmy G. Buckets" tee shirts.

So much pressure to duplicate the previous triumphs. So much pressure.  I can't do this.  I can do this.  I CAN DO THIS.  Relax.


"Time to go to work", Stacey says with a sigh of fearful confidence.  The chair barely contains his 6 foot 11 frame as he unscrews the top of his Jack Daniels.

"This one's for D-Rose.  Woo...that boy good", he proclaims before accepting the familiar burn from the glass. "Ahh, that boy good."

An hour passes while he discusses the latest Bulls news on his iPhone internet, eating his bologna and cheese sandwich with a side of cheese balls.  A traditional King family meal.


He furiously prepared another whiskey neat to calm himself down, swirling it in his glasses.  Savoring the scent.  He took a long drink after sucking the cheese dust from his thumb with a loud pop.

Stacey carefully reaches into his Kirk Hinrich backpack and removes a limited edition 2003 Kirk Hinrich rookie fountain pen.  A birthday gift from Neil Funk engraved with the phrase Long Live Our Savior. O Captain! My captain! - NF.

"So let's see," he says, pausing for a few seconds in thought.  "Who are the new guys?  We got Mike Dunleavy in free agency and Erik Murphy in the 2nd round.  Heh.  Two more white 3 point shooters.  Those will be easy."

"Tony Snell, our new first round draft pick.  Snell deez nuts in yo face, bitch!", he laughingly jokes, slamming the rest of his whiskey.

"Marquis Teague will probably get some more playing time this year.  I'll definitely need something for him.  Teague...league...BIG LEAGUE TEAGUE!  Damn, I'm good.  STACEY KING ALL UP IN THIS BITCH!"

He chuckles satisfyingly into his half empty glass before downing the rest of it in a single gulp.


Stacey wakes up the next day not knowing what time it is.  Head throbbing, he remembers little of the previous night.  He gets up to check his papers, confident that he must have struck catch phrase gold if he celebrated so heavily.

Skimming through his papers, he grows frantic nearing the end of the pile.  "What the fuck is all of this?  This can't be all I did last night."

He flips back and examines each page closely.

  • shooter, tall, white, new
  • son/jr
  • sumthin bout him bein white
  • is he canadian check internet
    • ham + syrup for 3s ie spicy meatball?
  • what does he eat
  • not good as hinrich
Erik Murphy
  • white
  • 3s
  • murphy - irish? guiness? red hair? check
  • k or c?
  • famous murphys?
  • download some Nelly - country grammer etc
Marquis Teague
  • hinrich >
  • skinny
  • mustache - joke?
  • tweet him
Tony Snell

The remaining pages were filled with crude sketches of Kirk Hinrich dunking on LeBron James.

"Well I've got a few days left.  I've still got lots of time.", he says self reassuringly as he pours himself another drink to take the edge off.


Holding onto his knee...holding onto his knee and down

Stacey wakes up with a terrifying gasp.  Large beads dropping from his forehead.  Still drunk from whenever he last fell asleep.  Unable to think straight, he pours himself another drink and reaches for his phone.  Squinting at the screen, he selects the contact "Funky Neil".

"What up ya old ass bitch?"
"Hell yeah it's me, bitch!"
"Have you been drinking?"
"....I'm not that drunk, Funk.  Bitch."
"Jesus Christ, Stacey.  It's 4 in the morning, what do you want?"
"ohhhhhh I'm so sorry were you sleeping?"
"*Sigh* If you MUST know, I was editing the Hinrich highlights on the youtube that you made last week. I found some old games on my VHS collection to add in. It's really neat"
"Ya I don't care.  Funk, I can't think of any new catch phrases for the new crop this year! You gotta help me, or I can't entertain the listeners baby! My career will be over!  How will anyone ever love me again if I can't create new, fresh catch phrases?"
"*Sigh* Are you in Montana again?"
"Yeah, so? Phil Jackson does it."
"Stacey, why do you kill yourself every year over this shit? Just call the game normally with stats and basketball knowledge insight.*Sigh* Okay here is one that I was sure you were going to come up with on your own. But I guess not. Erik Murphy - Murphy's Law - anything that can go wrong will go wrong. So how about: What can go in, will go in! when he makes a 3. It's perfect. You can yell it as loud as you want."
"HAAA thanks bitch. I'm stealin that shit!"


"Heh, that old ass idiot falls for that shit every year.", Stacey smugly stated as he threw back two more shots. "STACEY KING REPRESENT!"


"Three fucking days.  Three fucking days, and all I have is Funk's dumb ass phrase and 'Dunleavy Dun-made-a-three'.  I'm fucking pathetic.  My career is over.  I've lost my mojo.  People might as well just start comparing me to Joe Buck.", he said depressingly, head in hands.

Stacey finished off his last bottle of Jack and started packing his things for home.


"Marvelous Marquis Teague with the bucket.  He's so mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmarvelousssssssss-ahhhh!", Stacey yelled into the microphone with the Bulls up 70-64 at the end of the 3rd quarter.  "He's big league, Funk!  BIG LEAGUE.  BIG LEAGUE TEAGUE! Ha-ha!  Woo!"

The telecast went to commercial break.

"Stacey, are you serious?  You've done nothing but yell that out any time he's touched the ball tonight.  You really don't have anything else?", Neil inquired bluntly.

Stacey had used "Marvelous" Marquis Teague, "Big League" Teague, "Magic Mike" Dunleavy, and made several puns about Tony Snell being able to smell things.  It was all he could muster.

"I just...I just don't know what else to do, Funk.  I just don't have it anymore.  My career is over."  Stacey turned away to hide his tears.  Not wanting to talk to anyone, he pulled out his phone to check Twitter.  His quarterly habit.

Unknown to Stacey at the time, everyone on Twitter was absolutely loving it.  In their minds he could do no wrong.

@DaBullsMJ23 lol at dis dude Stacey King!!!! #marvelous #thebest #hilarious #magicmike

@xoxoLisaXXX: @Sky21King #dabulls are tha best & so r u! #tonysmell #lol

@lebron23kobe: lebron/kobe>drose but Stacey King>>>>> #legend

"THEY LOVE ME, FUNK!  MY TWEEPS STILL LOVE ME!  WOO!  I can't believe it!  I must be a genius!" Neil Funk could only sigh and welcome back the audience from the commercial break.

The Bulls had blown the lead open at the end of the 4th and Tom Thibadeau checked Erik Murphy into the game to close it out.  Stacey was licking his chops at the opportunity to unleash his best catch phrase to date.

"MURPHY'S LAW - ANY 3 THAT CAN GO IN, WILL GO IN!!! WOO!!!", King screamed as Murphy trotted back on defense from a long 3. "That catch phrase came from my best friend The Funkster, Neil Funk!  Thank you, Funk!"

The game ended and the mics went dead.

"I really owe you one, Funk.  You're a true friend."

"Hey, Stace, it's no problem.  You're the one who really sold the line.  That was great."

Stacey pulled out his phone to check Twitter again and drink the euphoria of everyone loving the Murphy catch phrase.

@drose1GOAT lol this dude tryna do a science experiment or sum shit wit dat murphy shit. stick to bball n**** #wtf #bullswin #dub

@stacy23xoxo: @Sky21King uhhhh you should tell Neil that was the worst thing ive ever heard #thatwasbad

He closed the app furiously and scolded Neil Funk for giving him that line.  Neil died a little bit more inside and wondered if he could make it through another season of this shit.


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