Thursday, January 17, 2013

Style and Shag: The Best and Worst Hair of the NBA




Seriously...look at this shit.

Spencer Hawes, F/C Philadelphia 76ers

2013 AWARD: Worst Hair in the NBA


Let's get this out of the way first.  Spencer Hawes has, by far, the worst hair in the league.  It's a shaggy, trash mullet usually reserved for Wal-Marts in the south.  I really don't know why anyone who is seen by hundreds of thousands of people on a daily basis would walk around like this.  Here are my theories:
  1. He lost a bet to one of his liberal teammates on the presidential election and is now forced to sport this cut for the rest of the season.
  2. Someone shaved the sides of head while he was sleeping and he just hasn't checked a mirror since.
  3. No other hairstyle goes with his trash 'stache as well.
  4. He thinks it is funny and is being "ironic".
  5. He enjoys the flop sweat the mullet provides.

With that nastiness out of the way, let's take a look at the rest of the best and worst stylings in the NBA.




Afros

 

Nick Young aka Swaggy P, G Philadelphia 76ers

2013 AWARD: Best Hair Belonging to Swaggy P


This is the ying to big Spence's yang.

The controlled chaos of Swaggy P's tight curls perfectly fits his play style.  The confidence oozed by Swaggy P on the court manifests itself with pull up jumpers in transition, isolation scoring attempts, amazing hair, and Doug Collins yelling at him a lot.  Not only does Swaggy P have some "swag" hair, Swaggy P is also my favorite nickname in the NBA and I try to fit Swaggy P into any conversation I have as much as possible.



Andrew Bynum, C Philadelphia 76ers

2013 AWARD: Best and Worst Afro


The ABA has been reborn on top of Andrew Bynum's head this season.  After being traded to the 76ers from the Lakers this summer, Bynum showed up to his first press conference with this magnificent 'fro.  Not only is the afro impressive by itself, but the 25 year old Bynum also proudly lets his gray hairs shine through.  He is just the definition of not giving a fuck these days.

Bynum has been in the news recently by injuring his knee bowling, and pissing off some neighbors in his sub division. From USA Today on Bynum's neighbors' lawsuit:
Bynum has demonstrated open contempt for the Becketts specifically and for the neighborhood generally by blasting loud, profane, and disrespectful music and video games at window-shaking volumes; by letting his dogs run loose through the neighborhood; by apparently engaging in illegal drug use and permitting marijuana smoke to drift into the Becketts' backyard; by constructing a fence on his property which is not in compliance with the community codes and regulations; by conspicuously brandishing firearms in an attempt to threaten and intimidate the Becketts in retaliation for their legitimate complaints; and, perhaps most seriously, by recklessly racing his luxury cars through the neighborhood at dangerous speeds where children or others could be injured or killed.
Isn't that shit amazing? Bynum is my favorite NBA thing this year.

Unfortunately for Bynum, he also showed up on the sidelines this season sporting this look:



He explained this look by saying it was inspired by the cartoon character that goes by "A Pimp Named Slickback" from The Boondocks, which is pretty much the perfect Andrew Bynum thing.

 

 


Josh Childress, G/F Brooklyn Nets

2013 AWARD: The Outstanding Achievement Award for Keepin' It Real


The classic, clean, perfectly sculpted afro every black man should be striving for.  This style would fit perfectly into an era of basketball (well maybe not the era where everyone still hated "the blacks"), yet only a hand full of players in the league are willing to dedicate themselves to pulling it off.  Childress  has sported either a flat top or an afro his entire career and we all should remain thankful for his presence. He is an average player with a very above average afro.

 



Hasheem Thabeet, C Oklahoma City Thunder

2013 AWARD: Hair Most Likely to Belong to a Homeless Man


Seen here trying to get Kevin Durant to like him, Hasheem Thabeet proudly displays how not to attempt an afro.  Is this the beginning stage of attempted dreads? What would he even look like with dreads? Is his scalp too sensitive to pick his hair out? Does he even wash it? What does it smell like?  Would it look better or worse if all of his hair was the same color of that weird spot?  All of these questions need answers.

 

Nick Collison, F Oklahoma City Thunder

2013 AWARD: Best Fake 'fro


OKC's Collison uses this picture for his Twitter avatar and is easily the best fake afro I've ever seen.



Dreads

 


Kenneth Faried, C/F Denver Nuggets

2013 Award: Best Dreads


The nonstop ferocity that Faried plays with lends itself well to long dreads that flop behind him.  The "Manimal" is frequently found in highlights such as this:

 


Gerald Wallace, F Brooklyn Nets

2013 AWARD: Person with Dreads that is Most Likely to be Covering Up a Receding Hairline with a Headband


Wallace is another high energy play with dreads and has earned his nickname of "Crash" in his 11 years in the league.  Although shorter than ideal, his dreads have been with him almost every step of his NBA journey and will always be associated with him.

 


Jordan Hill, F Los Angeles Lakers

2013 AWARD: Most Underrated Dreads


Seen here getting told all of the ways he is not as good as Kobe Bryant by Kobe Bryant, Jordan Hill looks fresh as fuck with his dreads. He is another member of the "high motor rebounder" type of player that apparently you have to have dreads for.

 


Chris Copeland, F New York Knicks

2013 AWARD: Best Hybrid Hair Style


Chris Copeland took the NBA hair world by storm by bursting onto the scene in the Summer League.  He has a unique half corn row, half dread lock style that is possibly the future of NBA hair.  Keep an eye on this youngster in the future for more innovations.

 


Nene, C/F Washington Wizards

2013 AWARD: Most Consistent Hair


Like Gerald Wallace, Nene's dreads have been with him nearly every step of the way.  He has lost a step from injuries and age, but his hair has never looked better.



Jae Crowder, F Dallas Mavericks

2013 AWARD: Best RastaDreads

Crowder's dreads are so explosives that he needs TWO hair bands to hold it all together.  That, along with his ability to blend in seamlessly at any reggae show, gives The Manimal a run for his money in the dreads category.  I wouldn't be surprised to see Crowder at the top spot next year.



Corn Rows

 


Ronny Turiaf, C/F Los Angeles Clippers

2013 AWARD: Straightest Rows


Much like the afro, the corn rows have become a lost art.  Turiaf likes to go with the classic row of corn with a streamlined approach. No messing around here.

 


Michael Beasley, F Phoenix Suns

2013 AWARD: Best Corn Rows


Beasley spices things up with some pizzazz by implementing a simple and effective design into his rows.  The middle line is straight while the two outside lines criss-cross back and forth.  This pays homage to rows of seasons past (shouts to my bro Iverson) while not being absurd.  Nicely done, Mike.

 


Kawhi Leonard, G/F San Antonio Spurs

2013 AWARD: Best Simple Design


This is the in between of the Turiaf and Beasley look.  The rows have a slightly jagged pattern to add an element of coolness.  Bonus points for having really long tails in the back.


Long and Wild



Joakim Noah, C Chicago Bulls

2013 AWARD: Most Conditioner Required


Noah corrals his tribal mane by placing it into a bun on top of his head.  During the game his hairs start to sprout out when his bun becomes looser and makes him look like a wild animal.  There is a very good chance he owns the longest hair in the league.

NOTE: In the opinion of my girlfriend, Noah has the best hair in the NBA and he should have his own section entitled "Long and Beautiful".

 

 


Anderson Varejao, C/F Cleveland Cavaliers

2013 AWARD: Best Hair That Should Belong to Sideshow Bob


Varejao chooses to let his head band be the only hair restraining force on his head during games and we are rewarded for it.  His hair comically flops all over the court.


Robin Lopez, C New Orleans Hornets

2013 AWARD: Worst Hair in the NBA Runner Up


Robin Lopez has made a complete mess of his head.  This is the kind of thing that happens to neglected dogs with long coats. He needs to buzz it and start over.  There are lots of good qualities and lots of potential with a hair type like this, but the stoner festival bro look isn't the way to go.

Fresh as Fuck Flat Top

 


Iman Shumpert, G New York Knicks

2013 AWARD: Flattest Top


Volume of a Cylinder = π * r2 * h

Assuming the diameter of his flat top is 7.75 inches means the radius of his top is 3.875 (assume perfectly circular top), and assume height of 3 inches:

π * 3.8752 * 3 = x

π * 15.015625 * 3 = x

47.1729771891 * 3 = x

141.518931567 = x

The volume of Iman Shumpert's hair is ~141.518931567 inches3

 


Norris Cole, G Miami Heat

2013 AWARD: Best Hair Most Likely to Appear in a Blaxploitation Film


Norris Cole adds some flair to his flat top with some 1970s style burns and a pretty nice chin tuft.  The NBA needs more flat tops and that makes me even more excited for Nerlens Noel, next year's front runner for Best Overall NBA Hair.

Mohawk

 


James Harden, G Houston Rockets

2013 AWARD: Best Mohawk


James Harden is world renowned for his healthy beard, but his mohawk is almost equally as trendy.  There is a serious lack of 'hawks in the NBA right now (R.I.P. Denghawk).  Here's to hoping one of the NBA's best can inspire the next generation to buzz their locks beyond their comfort zone.

 


Jared Jeffries, F Portland Trailblazers

2013 AWARD: Worst Mohawk


Little known fact: Jared Jeffries is only in the league for his supersonic hearing abilites.  He can hear what the coach in the other huddle is saying during timeouts and inform his teammates.  Largely known fact: he has a terrible mohawk.

Medium Length Straight Hair

 


Ricky Rubio, G Minnesota Timberwolves

2013 AWARD: Best Overall Hair


Be honest, how long did you just sit there and stare at that beautiful Spanish face?  I keep scrolling up and checking it out.  Those Spanish locks are awe inspiring.  I like to imagine it feels like silk and smells like flowers.  Ricky Rubio has some of most gorgeous hair I've ever seen on a human head.

 


Andrei Kirilenko, F Minnesota Timberwolves

2013 AWARD: Most Ambitious


This bro. Seriously.  This bro has had some amazing/ridiculous hairstyles in his past.  Do yourself a favor and Google "Andrei Kirilenko Hair".  Totally worth it, right?  Did you also know his wife lets him have sex with one other woman a year?  No?  Well it's true.  I wonder what the process for choosing that girl is.  I bet he uses that as a pickup line.  This would be a tremendous reality television show. Anyways, his hair is pretty awful.

 


Aaron Gray, C Toronto Raptors

2013 AWARD: Worst White Guy Hair


I don't know if there is any hairstyle that would look decent on "The White Panther".  He is just a goofy individual.  The middle parted, medium length straight hair is not his ideal look.  Doesn't this picture remind you of a middle school yearbook photo of someone who has never gotten laid?

Male Pattern Baldness

 


Chris Kaman, C Dallas Mavericks

2013 AWARD: Baldest Man in the NBA


I'm not here to make fun of people that are going bald.  I'm only pointing out the fact that some of the world's best athletes are losing their hair. Kaman is basically completely bald at this point.  He has been balding for a long time and I now believe he is the baldest man in the NBA. Here is what he used to look like:

 


Kosta Kofous, C Denver Nuggets

2013 AWARD: Most Rapidly Balding


Kofous won the starting gig at center this year for the Nuggets despite lacking the full head of hair that his backup, Javale McGee, possessed. Give it a couple more years and he will be in contention for baldest player in the NBA.

 


Manu Ginobili, G San Antonio Spurs

2013 AWARD: Best Eurobald


Manu is a tragic victim of male pattern baldness. He has been a key piece of multiple NBA championships, but he still isn't immune to losing his hair. Remember when he swatted a bat out of mid air during a game?


 

 


Gerald Henderson, G/F Charlotte Bobcats


On one hand, I have to give credit to Gerald for going for it and not giving a fuck, but on the other hand, that shit is not looking good. He obviously has a receding hairline, but refuses to give in. Indication of a strong spirit dwelling within? Probably, but who knows since he is stuck in Charlotte.

 

nikola

 Nikola Pekovic, C Minnesota Timberwolves

2013 AWARD: Most Intimidating Balding Man


I can't tell whether he has a receding hairline or if he just has an extremely protruding widow's peak, so I'm throwing him in this category.  Either way, I would never make fun of this man to his face because he is terrifying and could easily beat me and 5 of my friends up at the same time.  Whoever painted that picture of him is a very good artist though.

 


Emeka Okafor, C Washington Wizards

2013 AWARD: Biggest forehead


At least 12 inches of forehead.

 



Deron Williams, PG Brooklyn Nets

2013 AWARD: Greasiest Hair with a Hint of Baldness


Does he add the grease himself, or does he just not wash it enough?

 


LeBron James, F Miami Heat

2013 AWARD: Best Balding Player


Perhaps the most famous balding man on the planet.  He is infamous for "The Decision" but is also equally jeered for the huge headband he wears to cover up his receding hairline.

Eventually he will need to admit defeat and go for the bald look.  Jordan and Kobe both had to go down this route, it's only natural LeBron will follow suit.

Fresh White Guy Cuts

 



Steve Nash, PG Los Angeles Lakers

2013 AWARD: Trying the Hardest to Fit in


Oh Steve Nash, you perpetually damp headed cock-tease, why'd you have to go and do me like that? At each season's end, as you walked defeated off the court, I'd think, maybe, maybe next season. Maybe next November your long beleaguered hairline, perched for years atop your skull at precisely high noon, would finally succumb to time and you'd officially join the ranks of Badly Balding NBA Players.
Not Chris Kaman, who by all accounts was drafted directly out of a cave in the Kamchatka wilderness, nor The Big Cisco Systems Analyst (Brian Cardinal), but you! You would be the greatest Badly Balding NBA Player in the league! Imagine Russell Westbrook's horror, a no look pass slung past his face by a crafty old point-wizard who looked like he should be working behind the counter at a bait shop! But for you, alas, it was LA, and its personal stylists with their insistence on slim tailored suits and haircuts befitting a GQ red carpet, cropped and flawlessly parted. Goddamn this cruel world.  -Drew Greaves

I had every intention of defending "Gatsby" when I heard you had slandered him, but I can't argue with your logic.  Expectation is what makes his hair great.  You don't assume a haircut layered like fine tiramisu to sit perfectly still atop the head of a future hall of famer, unless its 1956.  That said, a bic job would catapult Nash into hair immortality, characterizing the savvy but fragile floor general that attends dusty church pickup games twice a week.  There's nothing left to prove on top for Nash, so why not take away something beautiful, if for no other reason than to show Steve Blake how it's done.   -Matthew Bailey


 


J.J. Redick, G Orlando Magic

2013 AWARD: Freshest White Guy Cut


This is as fresh as it gets. Short on the sides and a little length on top to style. Probably uses some top of the line product. This is how it's done, white people.


 


Kyle Korver, G/F Atlanta Hawks

2013 AWARD: Most Likely to Drop Panties After Draining a 3 and Running Fingers Through His Hair


My girlfriend disagrees with me on Korver.  I find his Bieber-esque stylings to be tasteful and modern, yet she sees him as "bizarre looking".



 Chandler Parsons, F Houston Rockets

2013 AWARD: Best Boy Band Hair


A slightly longer, and slightly less fresh, version of the Redick look.  Parsons does white people proud with this fresh cut.



Danilo Gallinari, F Denver Nuggets

2013 AWARD: Best Eurowhiteguyfreshcut


All of these white bros with fresh cuts have been great 3 point shooters so far.  We have our first European in Gallinari.  I think this may be what Nash was going for in his unsuccessful attempt, but Gallinari's cut remains far superior.

 


Andrea Bargnani, C/F Toronto Raptors

2013 AWARD: Most Likely to Fulfill a Stereotype


I really hope Bargnani has a frosted tip phase in the near future.

 


Tiago Splitter, C/F San Antonio Spurs

2013 AWARD: Most Likely to Make Manu Ginobili Jealous


Fresh cut. Very fresh. Very fresh. Get this guy a modeling contract.

 


Josh McRoberts, F Orlando Magic

2013 AWARD: Best Haircut to Pair with a Ralph Lauren Polo


The version of Josh McRoberts that you see staring coolly back at you is one long removed from his days as a member of the Portland Trail Blazers. McBob was a basketball vagabond, rocking long locks that made him look like an extremely athletic homeless man who stumbled onto the court, and he sort of was, vacillating (and grumbling) between the Idaho Stampede and the Blazers. But a trade to his hometown Pacers, along with an eventual haircut, cleaned up his face and game: his only season with an above-average PER was with the Pacers. Once Josh finally bro'd out to embrace his Carmel, Ind. roots (the #1 place in the nation to live according to CNN Money Magazine, woohoo!! Pool party!) and started rocking the fresh cut, his career started looking up. This is a guy who was once almost packaged with a first round pick for OJ Mayo twice people, he even got out of LA in the Dwight trade, a blessing in disguise. And McBob owes it all to his haircut (and the Pacers). Now smile with your eyes, Josh.

 


Landry Fields, G/F Toronto Raptors

2013 AWARD: Best Half Black Guy Hair in the White Guy Hair Category


Fields is mixed race, but he's half white so he gets lumped in here. He is a very handsome man with one of the freshest cuts around. One of the most underrated cuts in the league.

 


Enes Kanter, C Utah jazz

2013 AWARD: Smallest Forehead


Here is the polar opposite of Emeka Okafor. Maybe 2 inches of forehead. I don't think this man will ever have to worry about going bald.


Chase Budinger, F Minnesota Timberwolves


This cut is not 100% fresh, but he gets incluced because he looks very much like Brendan Fraser's basketball character in "Bedazzled". GO DIABLOS!


Long Free Flowing Hair

 



Alexey Shved, G Minnesota Timberwolves

2013 AWARD: Best Hair that Would Also Look Good on a Female


Shved found time to play this year due to Ricky Rubio's ACL tear. Nobody knew the amazing hair he would bring to the table. Shved has borderline best hair in the NBA.

 


Lou Amundson, C/F Minnesota Timberwolves

2013 AWARD: Worst Player to have Hair Down to His Ass


White bro with super long flowing hair. Sounds like a winning combination, but in Lou's case, it makes him look like an IDIOT. He is not a good player and that further adds to my disdain for his hair. He sucks, and so does his hair.

 

Luis Scola, PF/C Phoenix Suns

2013 AWARD: Best Questionably Classic Hair


Straight and black. Questionable style. Very Classic. Borderline Iconic.

Tight Curls

 

Blake Griffin, F Los Angeles Clippers

2013 AWARD: Most Underrated Hair


High and tight with a hint of auburn. Clean and extremely fresh. Not only is Blake an excellent athlete, he has an excellent stylist.

 

Brandon Jennings, G Milwaukee Bucks

2013 AWARD: Best Worst Cut Someone Has Had Who Has Also Had Awesome Cuts in the Past


Jennings has had multiple A+ hairstyles in the past, and while this is a great cut, it doesn't reach the past greatness.  I give this a solid B.



Extremely Susceptible to Grease and Sweat

Kyle Singler, F Detroit Pistons

2013 AWARD: Hair that Defenders Try the Hardest Not to Accidentally Touch


Pale white man with floppy, sweaty, greasy hair.  Look how the defender shrinks away from contact as to not get any of that shit on him. Nobody wants to guard somebody like that.  Gross.

 

Ersan Ilyasova, F Milwaukee Bucks

2013 AWARD: Sweatiest Bangs


While not nearly as bad as Singler's, Ilyasova's top is a train wreck. It's short all around but somehow he has like 3 inch bangs that collect liquid like a sponge. He needs to hit the buzz cut reset button.


5 comments:

  1. jesus christ that was funny

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  2. This is amazing. This deserves to be seen/read!

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  3. Just fantastic (but I didn't enjoy having high MJ judge me the entire time).

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  4. Should have added Matt Barnes hair. Stuff is the real deal

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  5. very thorough, well done

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