Seriously...look at this shit.
Spencer Hawes, F/C Philadelphia 76ers
2013 AWARD: Worst Hair in the NBA
- He lost a bet to one of his liberal teammates on the presidential election and is now forced to sport this cut for the rest of the season.
- Someone shaved the sides of head while he was sleeping and he just hasn't checked a mirror since.
- No other hairstyle goes with his trash 'stache as well.
- He thinks it is funny and is being "ironic".
- He enjoys the flop sweat the mullet provides.
With that nastiness out of the way, let's take a look at the rest of the best and worst stylings in the NBA.
Nick Young aka Swaggy P, G Philadelphia 76ers
2013 AWARD: Best Hair Belonging to Swaggy P
The controlled chaos of Swaggy P's tight curls perfectly fits his play style. The confidence oozed by Swaggy P on the court manifests itself with pull up jumpers in transition, isolation scoring attempts, amazing hair, and Doug Collins yelling at him a lot. Not only does Swaggy P have some "swag" hair, Swaggy P is also my favorite nickname in the NBA and I try to fit Swaggy P into any conversation I have as much as possible.
Andrew Bynum, C Philadelphia 76ers
2013 AWARD: Best and Worst Afro
Bynum has been in the news recently by injuring his knee bowling, and pissing off some neighbors in his sub division. From USA Today on Bynum's neighbors' lawsuit:
Bynum has demonstrated open contempt for the Becketts specifically and for the neighborhood generally by blasting loud, profane, and disrespectful music and video games at window-shaking volumes; by letting his dogs run loose through the neighborhood; by apparently engaging in illegal drug use and permitting marijuana smoke to drift into the Becketts' backyard; by constructing a fence on his property which is not in compliance with the community codes and regulations; by conspicuously brandishing firearms in an attempt to threaten and intimidate the Becketts in retaliation for their legitimate complaints; and, perhaps most seriously, by recklessly racing his luxury cars through the neighborhood at dangerous speeds where children or others could be injured or killed.Isn't that shit amazing? Bynum is my favorite NBA thing this year.
Unfortunately for Bynum, he also showed up on the sidelines this season sporting this look:
He explained this look by saying it was inspired by the cartoon character that goes by "A Pimp Named Slickback" from The Boondocks, which is pretty much the perfect Andrew Bynum thing.
Josh Childress, G/F Brooklyn Nets
2013 AWARD: The Outstanding Achievement Award for Keepin' It Real
Hasheem Thabeet, C Oklahoma City Thunder
2013 AWARD: Hair Most Likely to Belong to a Homeless Man
Nick Collison, F Oklahoma City Thunder
2013 AWARD: Best Fake 'fro
Kenneth Faried, C/F Denver Nuggets
2013 Award: Best Dreads
Gerald Wallace, F Brooklyn Nets
2013 AWARD: Person with Dreads that is Most Likely to be Covering Up a Receding Hairline with a Headband
Jordan Hill, F Los Angeles Lakers
2013 AWARD: Most Underrated Dreads
Chris Copeland, F New York Knicks
2013 AWARD: Best Hybrid Hair Style
Nene, C/F Washington Wizards
2013 AWARD: Most Consistent Hair
Jae Crowder, F Dallas Mavericks
2013 AWARD: Best RastaDreads
Crowder's dreads are so explosives that he needs TWO hair bands to hold it all together. That, along with his ability to blend in seamlessly at any reggae show, gives The Manimal a run for his money in the dreads category. I wouldn't be surprised to see Crowder at the top spot next year.
Ronny Turiaf, C/F Los Angeles Clippers
2013 AWARD: Straightest Rows
Michael Beasley, F Phoenix Suns
2013 AWARD: Best Corn Rows
Kawhi Leonard, G/F San Antonio Spurs
2013 AWARD: Best Simple Design
Long and Wild
Joakim Noah, C Chicago Bulls
2013 AWARD: Most Conditioner Required
NOTE: In the opinion of my girlfriend, Noah has the best hair in the NBA and he should have his own section entitled "Long and Beautiful".
Anderson Varejao, C/F Cleveland Cavaliers
2013 AWARD: Best Hair That Should Belong to Sideshow Bob
Robin Lopez, C New Orleans Hornets
2013 AWARD: Worst Hair in the NBA Runner Up
Fresh as Fuck Flat Top
Iman Shumpert, G New York Knicks
2013 AWARD: Flattest Top
Assuming the diameter of his flat top is 7.75 inches means the radius of his top is 3.875 (assume perfectly circular top), and assume height of 3 inches:
π * 3.8752 * 3 = x
π * 15.015625 * 3 = x
47.1729771891 * 3 = x
141.518931567 = x
The volume of Iman Shumpert's hair is ~141.518931567 inches3
Norris Cole, G Miami Heat
2013 AWARD: Best Hair Most Likely to Appear in a Blaxploitation Film
James Harden, G Houston Rockets
2013 AWARD: Best Mohawk
Jared Jeffries, F Portland Trailblazers
2013 AWARD: Worst Mohawk
Medium Length Straight Hair
Ricky Rubio, G Minnesota Timberwolves
2013 AWARD: Best Overall Hair
Andrei Kirilenko, F Minnesota Timberwolves
2013 AWARD: Most Ambitious
Aaron Gray, C Toronto Raptors
2013 AWARD: Worst White Guy Hair
Male Pattern Baldness
Chris Kaman, C Dallas Mavericks
2013 AWARD: Baldest Man in the NBA
Kosta Kofous, C Denver Nuggets
2013 AWARD: Most Rapidly Balding
Manu Ginobili, G San Antonio Spurs
2013 AWARD: Best Eurobald
Gerald Henderson, G/F Charlotte Bobcats
Nikola Pekovic, C Minnesota Timberwolves
2013 AWARD: Most Intimidating Balding Man
Emeka Okafor, C Washington Wizards
2013 AWARD: Biggest forehead
Deron Williams, PG Brooklyn Nets
2013 AWARD: Greasiest Hair with a Hint of Baldness
LeBron James, F Miami Heat
2013 AWARD: Best Balding Player
Eventually he will need to admit defeat and go for the bald look. Jordan and Kobe both had to go down this route, it's only natural LeBron will follow suit.
Fresh White Guy Cuts
Steve Nash, PG Los Angeles Lakers
2013 AWARD: Trying the Hardest to Fit in
Oh Steve Nash, you perpetually damp headed cock-tease, why'd you have to go and do me like that? At each season's end, as you walked defeated off the court, I'd think, maybe, maybe next season. Maybe next November your long beleaguered hairline, perched for years atop your skull at precisely high noon, would finally succumb to time and you'd officially join the ranks of Badly Balding NBA Players.
Not Chris Kaman, who by all accounts was drafted directly out of a cave in the Kamchatka wilderness, nor The Big Cisco Systems Analyst (Brian Cardinal), but you! You would be the greatest Badly Balding NBA Player in the league! Imagine Russell Westbrook's horror, a no look pass slung past his face by a crafty old point-wizard who looked like he should be working behind the counter at a bait shop! But for you, alas, it was LA, and its personal stylists with their insistence on slim tailored suits and haircuts befitting a GQ red carpet, cropped and flawlessly parted. Goddamn this cruel world. -Drew Greaves
I had every intention of defending "Gatsby" when I heard you had slandered him, but I can't argue with your logic. Expectation is what makes his hair great. You don't assume a haircut layered like fine tiramisu to sit perfectly still atop the head of a future hall of famer, unless its 1956. That said, a bic job would catapult Nash into hair immortality, characterizing the savvy but fragile floor general that attends dusty church pickup games twice a week. There's nothing left to prove on top for Nash, so why not take away something beautiful, if for no other reason than to show Steve Blake how it's done. -Matthew Bailey
J.J. Redick, G Orlando Magic
2013 AWARD: Freshest White Guy Cut
This is as fresh as it gets. Short on the sides and a little length on top to style. Probably uses some top of the line product. This is how it's done, white people.
Kyle Korver, G/F Atlanta Hawks
2013 AWARD: Most Likely to Drop Panties After Draining a 3 and Running Fingers Through His Hair
Chandler Parsons, F Houston Rockets
2013 AWARD: Best Boy Band Hair
A slightly longer, and slightly less fresh, version of the Redick look. Parsons does white people proud with this fresh cut.
Danilo Gallinari, F Denver Nuggets
2013 AWARD: Best Eurowhiteguyfreshcut
Andrea Bargnani, C/F Toronto Raptors
2013 AWARD: Most Likely to Fulfill a Stereotype
Tiago Splitter, C/F San Antonio Spurs
2013 AWARD: Most Likely to Make Manu Ginobili Jealous
Josh McRoberts, F Orlando Magic
2013 AWARD: Best Haircut to Pair with a Ralph Lauren Polo
The version of Josh McRoberts that you see staring coolly back at you is one long removed from his days as a member of the Portland Trail Blazers. McBob was a basketball vagabond, rocking long locks that made him look like an extremely athletic homeless man who stumbled onto the court, and he sort of was, vacillating (and grumbling) between the Idaho Stampede and the Blazers. But a trade to his hometown Pacers, along with an eventual haircut, cleaned up his face and game: his only season with an above-average PER was with the Pacers. Once Josh finally bro'd out to embrace his Carmel, Ind. roots (the #1 place in the nation to live according to CNN Money Magazine, woohoo!! Pool party!) and started rocking the fresh cut, his career started looking up. This is a guy who was once almost packaged with a first round pick for OJ Mayo twice people, he even got out of LA in the Dwight trade, a blessing in disguise. And McBob owes it all to his haircut (and the Pacers). Now smile with your eyes, Josh.
Landry Fields, G/F Toronto Raptors
2013 AWARD: Best Half Black Guy Hair in the White Guy Hair Category
Enes Kanter, C Utah jazz
2013 AWARD: Smallest Forehead
Chase Budinger, F Minnesota Timberwolves
Long Free Flowing Hair
Alexey Shved, G Minnesota Timberwolves
2013 AWARD: Best Hair that Would Also Look Good on a Female
Lou Amundson, C/F Minnesota Timberwolves
2013 AWARD: Worst Player to have Hair Down to His Ass
Luis Scola, PF/C Phoenix Suns
2013 AWARD: Best Questionably Classic Hair
Straight and black. Questionable style. Very Classic. Borderline Iconic.
Blake Griffin, F Los Angeles Clippers
2013 AWARD: Most Underrated Hair
High and tight with a hint of auburn. Clean and extremely fresh. Not only is Blake an excellent athlete, he has an excellent stylist.
Brandon Jennings, G Milwaukee Bucks
2013 AWARD: Best Worst Cut Someone Has Had Who Has Also Had Awesome Cuts in the Past
Jennings has had multiple A+ hairstyles in the past, and while this is a great cut, it doesn't reach the past greatness. I give this a solid B.
Extremely Susceptible to Grease and Sweat
Kyle Singler, F Detroit Pistons
2013 AWARD: Hair that Defenders Try the Hardest Not to Accidentally Touch
Pale white man with floppy, sweaty, greasy hair. Look how the defender shrinks away from contact as to not get any of that shit on him. Nobody wants to guard somebody like that. Gross.
Ersan Ilyasova, F Milwaukee Bucks
2013 AWARD: Sweatiest Bangs
While not nearly as bad as Singler's, Ilyasova's top is a train wreck. It's short all around but somehow he has like 3 inch bangs that collect liquid like a sponge. He needs to hit the buzz cut reset button.